Defining D/s

Defining D/s

D/s. Also known commonly as “Dominance/submission” or “Dominance and submission”, or even at times spoken as “Dominant/submissive”, when applied to the relationship roles that each person plays.

Now, just to clarify, when I say play, I mean it in the broad sense, meaning that we do this for fun, to expand ourselves sexually, to expand ourselves mentally, etc. Not in the sense that we take it lightly.

Not in the sense that we're dishonest about how we do what we do. We aren't “playing around”, even if we are “playing around”. Or we shouldn't be. That's how people get hurt. Be serious enough to be responsible enough. Which is totally, for your self, as well as those around you that are in your charge, if applicable. Take things just seriously enough to be sure to account for as well as acknowledge the risks involved in whatever it is that you're engaged in. I say this mainly to edge-players... The extremists. Be good to your toys.

D/s however has nothing to do with that. D/s, as I noted above, is an acronym that stands for Dominance & Submission, and is written in a way to enforce the concept that it entails. The Dominant is bigger than the submissive (not to be taken literally in a physical sense) in their commanding and demanding aire of authority.

They are capped, because they hold the “over bearing” and “overseer” positions. Just a weird little online-ism for ya.

Now, when it comes down to it, in reality, the relationship is formed much in that same fashion. The dominant personality enforces their will on the submissive personality. In many cases, this isn't hard to do, however, there are always slip ups, as our society doesn't assist in the enforcement of dominance over anyone. All things being equal, and all that rot.

But to define D/s, is really to define what it is to be Dominant, or what it is to be submissive. As well, to define “Dominance” as it applies to the “Dominant” and “submission” as it applies to the “submissive”.

Then we can move past that and into the realm of what it is that they each do for one another, as well as how they perceive each other.

So to define this, so that people understand, D/s is an aspect of the alternative sexual lifestyles, which dictates that there is a Dominant/Leading partner at all times, and generally dictated that this Dominant/Leading partner is the same person at all times (this isn't always true, but I'll explain later).

In it's own right, it is considered a lifestyle. Unlike BDSM, which is merely vehicular in nature, D/s is the structure, of sorts, that dictates the daily operations within the relationship between a Dominant and submissive. There is another level to D/s, but is not necessarily born of D/s, which is a much more strictly structured aspect and can be lived just as well as a lifestyle, but I'll define M/s later.

D/s over all is O'our communities accepted method of speaking about Dominance and submission. It's the catch all (unfortunately) phrase bandied about to encompass everything kink related, in regards to relationships. But it doesn't.

Every one of these acronyms that are used in our lifestyles are used because they describe a series of events, actions, mentalities, archetypes of personalities, practices, methods, etc. SO they all have meaning, and they are all really rigid, in so far as what they mean. I mean, a leaf is a leaf, after all.

D/s isn't an acronym that was ever intended to be a catch all. For example, you can't call my relationship D/s, as it's structured totally differently to a typical D/s relationship, which has more of an unspoken law about it's nature than in M/s, which is laid on the table, there's no doubt where a slave stands... They don't, and that's enforced with a collar. ;-} Just kidding, sometimes slaves stand. When they're told to. ~smirk~

Okay, enough funnin'. The point to that is that there's a marked difference in how M/s relationships and how D/s relationships are run. D/s blends well, with little effort into nilla society, as most of nilla society is D/s, they just don't look at it like that.

However, it's a point of fact, that all human beings are ½ herd animal, ½ pack animal. Well, some of U'us are pack animals too, but that's a different context. When I'm saying pack, I mean, like a hunting pack... Like a wolf pack. We have leaders, we have followers, and we have some that are damn good at playing sides.

D/s is like this. It operates on the dominant or “alpha” personality over submissive or “beta” personality concept. In many cases, nature is rather mysoginistic, as in wolf packs, as there aren't too many that are led initially and strictly by females. However...

A D/s relationship is largely a get in where you fit in sort of arrangement. As with most human relationships, other than non-consensual slavery, in which case we aren't going there. I don't condone it. But I fully condone that slavery should be optional. ;-}

Now, when it comes down to it, while I'm on the subject of slavery... D/s doesn't have anything to do with it. There is no ownership in D/s, though there probably will be at any given time, a whole helluva lot of D/s in ownership.

So this is the main thing to point out, is that D/s is about lead/follow, dominate, submit, overpower, push over, etc. It's through the interactions of people that we discover who is who to whom. There is no gender specificity in this.

So... How do we identify a dominant? Well, that's largely a matter of intuition, intellect and understanding human nature. As a caveat, however, it's usually the person that is doing his own thing, but still attracting a crowd of people.

The person that instills butterflies whenever he/she speaks to you. The one that can look at you and you find it difficult to meet their gaze, as if they know something you should, but don't.

A person with exceptional leadership skills. A negotiator. An interrogator. Forceful individuals with not just strong opinions, but the wherewithal to back it up. This is largely the image conjured when people think Dominant. Funny thing is, that there are submissives that have all the same qualities and attitudes.

But it doesn't make them dominant. There's certainly something that a dominant personality has that is rather instantly transferred when speaking to someone, that tells that person that the person they are speaking to is someone they should obey. However, this doesn't work with other Doms, of any gender.

Domination is largely a mental exercise, and that being the case, other Doms find it easy to spot when someone is using that mental faculty available to them to manipulate or adjust a situation to their favour, and will often, especially if it's being turned on them, interject and intercept the action or attitude.

Being Dominant isn't just a state of mind, it's a state of being. You don't just wake up one day and decide you're going to be dominant, it takes quite a few years of awakening and also experiencing life in such a way as to be conducive to it's development.

Also, takes a while to be aware of it, and it takes a special situation or occurance, to awaken someone to their need of it in their relationships or sexuality.

This isn't to say that you can't be born with qualities that are in line with a Dominant nature... But it's to say, rather, that you won't be suddenly “Ha ha! I am Dom! Here me roar!” at the age of 2.

It takes years to awaken and develop. For some, not so many years. For example, I knew I was kinky before I had a word for it by time I was 6 years old. Did I have dominant qualities back then? Perhaps. But most likely I developed them as a defensive measure after I was 9. A bit reactionary, but it worked for me.

Other people are different. Take the time to learn their stories, and you'll find yourself always entertained. ;-}

So if I didn't always feel dominant, than am I submissive? Nooooo, not by a long shot. But at the time that I began fantasizing about what I now term to be M/s and BDSM/Edge-play situations, I was all of 6. Living in an abusive relationship as a child, I was always in fear. Not conducive to a dominant mindset, I don't believe. Certainly good to a submissive mindset. But that changed when the causal factor to the fear was removed from my environment.

When it's all said and done though, every person comes to this from a different path. All we can do is clearly mark this path, so that people don't stumble and hurt themselves or others.

D/s is a mindset, it's a state of being and it's an authority transfer. Not total, but it's still granting the Dom some modicum of power over the submissive.

When you do dominate a submissive, they aren't owned by you, even though you might say that you have collared the submissive. All this is though, is saying that you're in a committed relationship. Because if she hasn't agreed to be your slave, then you are in a committed D/s relationship, not an M/s relationship. The “collar” is nothing more than symbolic of the bond between you.

Hmmm, I don't know what else to talk about, I think I should cover some bits about the submissive here.

So why does a submissive come into a relationship like this, and how do they even know they're a submissive in the first place?

For some, it starts in early child-hood, due to either a traumatic event, or even simply because of a typical dysfunctional family environment, or even perhaps due to a fully functional one, that is conducive to the development of any trait that is natural to a person.

In other cases, it starts at puberty, when the normal hormonal rampage begins, and typically normal imagery stirs something different inside. Not just imagery, but interactions as well, when desires, friendships and social interaction become intermixed with  typical teen-aged hormone driven sexual arousal, combined with curiosity.

For myself, it started as a child. For my slave lusty, she learned the value of service from her parents. Not in a sexual fashion, but simply in a service fashion.

For a trainee of mine, whom I've begun to call “puddles”, it started in early child-hood, due to an abusive upbringing, and neglect.

Another trainee, my lil' “naughty” one, also started in early childhood, but it had nothing to do with environment. In fact, her environment is totally non-conducive to spurring such a desire, coming from an apparently functional but obviously (to me) somewhat dysfunctional home, with a severe religious bent.

For others, it's simply a realization that they work better in an environment which is strictly structured, while others simply are followers by nature, and enjoy being dominated simply because they enjoy, for whatever reason feeling controlled and submissive.

So the reality of it is that there are as many reasons that draw a submissive to the lifestyles, as there are reasons that they become submissive in the first place.

And it's entirely natural. It's not a bad thing to be submissive, and it's not weak. That's the first thing I want to get out there. Without people willing to submit themselves to others commands, our world wouldn't be developed the way it is.

Further than that, a submissive must consistently show more, and develop more in the way of mental fortitude than many Dominants ever learn.

And in all honesty, it takes a tremendous amount of strength to come to a Dominant, lower oneself to their feet and debase themselves, submitting to them, giving of themselves to them to do as they please (within reason) with them. To offer submission is a feat of strength, when it's offered willingly. Further, it's a feat of trust.

And this is where a submissive is strongest, but still should not be tread on. Trust is required for D/s relationships to work.

So what is it that makes a submissive, a submissive? What qualities are always inherent in a submissive, that makes it that much easier for a Dominant to seek them out, or to identify them when they see them?

Usually, this is much more like the above question. It's a combination of factors. It's intuition, human nature, things that occur naturally that people aren't even aware of. You can't see them and know, till you get to know them, usually. Sometimes, they are very easy to point out, sometimes not so easy.

In many cases, one can look at a high powered business man, and think “He's definitely dominant.”. But that's not always the case... Many business men that have control every day of their lives hire Pro Dominants to strip that control from them for a time, so they can flex and not have to make any decisions.

This is relaxation, even if they are out of control, being tortured, tormented etc. For them, it's a release from the daily grind, an escape. Obviously, not a lifestylist, but could well be a submissive stuck in a leadership role due to the falsehoods of society. Or an inate fear of recognizing or acknowledging their full submissive nature.

So it's hard to tell when someone is submissive, without actually interacting with them. However, even from a distance, there are some things we can look for.

Body language. Body language in a submissive speaks so much louder than anything they verbally speak. The way someone carries themselves. Where they look, how they may avert their eyes when they are being looked upon, the way certain key comments cause a blush to rise in the cheeks, how they hold their head, their shoulders, even so far as to how they step, and even tone of voice when they do speak, oftentimes assist readily with identifying a submissive, even those that haven't given it a second thought before.

So, given that, once the initial “probe” into a submissive is done, then the Dominant is able to strike up a conversation with someone and already have the advantage, in that they know something that the submissive isn't aware of them knowing, and possibly and quite probably, isn't even aware of themselves.

This makes it possible, and likely, by the way, for certain Doms to become predatory. I'll cover red flags in this regard later.

But this makes it very easy for most Dominants to hunt. Of course, not all submissives are that easy to read. Some, are shut up tight behind a wall they've built around themselves. However, there are always cracks in the wall. And sometimes, it crumbles, once a “non-submissive” finds themselves in a situation that is conducive to the expression of submission. I.E. Finds themselves helplessly bound and gagged, or engaging in “rough sex” or other such similar situations. This assumes the Top in the situation is trust worthy, and not out to harm them. Though a real life or death situation could well arouse the same submissive tendencies.

So what makes a good submissive?

In my opinion, a good submissive is formed from qualities of desire to please people in general, good social skills, one that views all they do to be to please their partner, almost single mindedly, regardless of whom else they are asked (or commanded) to serve or pleasure, as well as the qualities of loyalty, devotion, patience, intelligence, curiosity, tolerance, endurance, and of course, a sense of humour.

Other qualities that make for a good submissive are their need for guidance, training and teaching, as well as their very happiness being tied to serving, sexually or otherwise.

Though it's a pretty well known fact that a submissive is happiest in serving in a sensual or sexual fashion. Whereas a painslut is happiest being used in a more violent (but also unharmful) fashion. There are differences in submissives also, differences that dictate to which end of the spectrum of extremes they belong within D/s or M/s relationships.

All in all, D/s is a dynamic born of the interactions between people. It's not the tools by which the dynamic is born, it is the dynamic. The tools are the people and BDSM applied by people. Make sense?

An M/s relationship falls into a category all it's own, not relying on anything but the agreement to be commited to, and responsible for the slave, and the slave to take seriously and be commited to pleasing their Owner(s). In whatever fashion is required. How this agreement comes into play is inconsequential, so long as all parties involved are in agreement that the arrangement/relationship is consensual, and that those things discussed in negotiations are adhered to very strictly.

So that's about all I have to say about D/s. Other than perhaps going over some common fallacies about the dynamic that crops up between people all the time, let alone in a structured relationship which supposedly follows a healthy form of Dominant – submissive interaction.

First off, when many come to this lifestyle, the idea of having total control over another does indeed play heavily on the psyche, and many get caught up in the role play of it.

As Andrew Gross wrote (New York Times #1 best selling co-author of LifeGuard and Judge & Jury, as well as sole New York Times best selling author of The Blue Zone and The Dark Tide), “They say that everyone has a story inside them. The problem sets in when they actually begin to believe it.

This is largely the problem with role playing, and don't even get me started on the whole impact of the internet on this dillemma, as it's got much to do with it. There's a lot of information out there, and the anonymity seems to grant people some fictional license to create themselves however they wish to be, not how they really are.

Further, when people begin to get into it, and spend a lot of time creating this mythology and establish it, it becomes a part of who they are. The problem really sets in, when they are operating on false principles.

Liars, thieves, cheaters, story tellers and all sorts come out of the woodwork online, with a complete and utterly asinine view on how things are. And most times, this goes unchecked, as with the net, you never know who's online, and what information they are getting.

So let's set the record straight. A dominant does not have a right to treat a submissive like shit, just because he or she is the “dominant” and the submissive is... Well, the submissive. Submissive does not equate doormat, and neither does slave.

Let's get that straight right here and now. Furthermore, if a dominant wishes to establish dominance, unless all they are after is physical control, it takes more than simple physical bullying to really inspire submission.

A dominant does not have the right to command just any or every submissive. Nor do they have the right to attempt to cajole a submissive into doing their bidding, such as leaving their current dominant or owner, and taking their collar or make a commitment to them.

The separation of a submissive from a dominant is wholly up to only those that are involved in the joining of the submissive and dominant. The submissive or dominant involved in the relationship themselves, no one else.

Another thing that people need to be aware of, is that a dominant is less likely to yell at people unless they have truly had enough and are becoming irritated to no end. They do not bellow consistently, and their commands are often interpreted as requests, not commands.

A good dominant will not press their weight on anyone outside the relationship, often hiding their capacity for leadership for when it's truly necessary.

All this “I am dom, hear me roar... Rawwwr!” crap is rather irritating in my opinion.

Further, a dominant has no right to push another dominant to accept their protocols, unless dealing with their own submissives. This is to say, that if a stray (for lack of a better term) dominant wishes to engage in kinky play with another dominant's submissive, and permissions are given for said interaction (it must always be asked. Respect the existing relationship, the time it takes to build, even if you don't know the people enough to respect them individually), then the only protocols that should be obeyed should be those of the Top that has permanent control over the submissive. Abide by the submissive's training that they showcase, don't try to force your own protocols on another's partner/slave.

In addition to this little tid-bit. Stop forcing other Tops that have their own protocols for address that they are comfortable with, that they are used to, regarding the sort of kink they might practice or the lifestyle they've chosen, be it D/s or M/s or just Edge-play, or whatever... Allow other Tops to choose how they'd like your submissive or slave to address them.

Here's another pet-peeve that ties into the above. What is with the dominants that seem to think that “Master” used in any conjunction or form is something only they have a right to hear from their slave? Bullshit. If that was the case, then those in a D/s relationship wouldn't allow their submissives to address any other dominants as “Sir” or “Ma'am”, because by the former logic, “Sir” or “Ma`am” or “Sir Suchansuch” or “Lady Suchansuch” or what have you would be restricted to only the person whom they are commited to.

Not the case. Using the word “Master” or “Mistress” by itself with a Top that does not own the submissive might well shed an odd light on the way the submissive or slave is addressing a Top. It comes with a slight “ownership” sort of feeling. A slave, while owned by a Master or Mistress may actually feel possessive of their Owner, and therefore, the address of the simple title “Master” or “Mistress” when spoken to that owner feels personal. SO in this, I agree, it is.

However, when the title is used in conjunction with a name, we'll say in my case, “Master Tiger”, it certainly comes across more as an attention grabbing, and yet respectful form of address for those that I don't own. It establishes a sense of distance. I am not “their” Master, and therefore, only deserve to be respected and addressed as “A Master”, not “Master” (which carries a feeling of possessiveness with it when spoken by most slaves).

A dominant should show respect to others by going straight to the Top to inform said Top of what it is that they would like to do. Get permission. This isn't to say that the Top that owns or is commited to the aforementioned submissive has any control over the Top that is asking. This is to show and respect the control a Top has over their own submissives or slaves.

Another thing that happens online a lot, and I find it rather irritating, and honestly, this happens more in the “Gorean” camp than anywhere else.

An Owner, of any form of M/s, does not have the right to simply collar a girl because they feel like it, simply because of her presence. Her presence does not constitute consent.

In a D/s relationship, or M/s relationship even, consent is paramount, at least initially. Further, it must be well informed consent.

Identifying oneself as a dominant does not make one dominant. Acting burly and bad assed, posturing and trying to bully others only makes you look like a childish fool. Seriously. So, if this shoe fits your foot...

Pull your head out of your ass. That's just some real talk right there.

Some more real talk for those that are just typing (online role-players and fantasy cyber fanatics). Remember that it's not all a game to some. Yes, it involves games, of course. But a lifestyle practitioner, either D/s or M/s often doesn't see it as a “game” and will get offended by enduring such a slight and implication. We're not all role-players. Some of us live this daily, 24/7 with our partner(s).

There are 1,001 ways to practice kink in our lives, not all of it fills in with things that are normal, some of it does. It's important to maintain a level of understanding of practicality, especially online.

Just because you're capped up (i.e. Your nick starts with a capital letter, as opposed to lower cased), doesn't mean you automatically are owed respect and power. That is earned over time, building with trust, through honest communication and having integrity in what it is that you preach. This means following through as if you mean what you say (and you best) and saying what you mean, as well as letting your actions back up what you're saying. Walk the walk. Don't just talk the talk.

This applies no matter if you're online or offline. I'm sorry, but I see too many idiots online. O'our community doesn't need any more of them. Apply some common sense to what you're doing, and conduct yourself with some dignity, as a Top or a bottom. Blustering, posturing, bratting, etc. all of this stuff is really rather unbecoming anyone's station. Throwing a fit because you don't get your way is something that you should have grown out of long before you came to this lifestyle.

Another falsehood for you. A dominant never compromises. Bullshit. Listen pups, to the old dawg for a moment. The strongest Tops, the most stern dominants will dominate in a very fluid fashion, flexing in their policies when it suits the relationship best. Not just themselves, and not just to appease the submissive, but rather altering their path when it becomes obvious that path is becoming harmful, either to the submissive, the dominant, or the relationship.

A sheltering oak, or leaves on the breeze. A good dominant can flow between them easily and seamlessly. They don't have to force themselves to be in control, they don't have to convince anyone. They are what they are. Strength comes from agility, in all ways. Flexibility is strength, not rigidity.

Something I'm fond of saying is that even the mighty oak would be ripped from it's roots, and thrown away like so much composte if it weren't for it's capacity to flex in the gail. A properly educated, intuitive and empathetic (not all of them are empathetic or educated, or intuitive by the way) dominant or owner will compromise. They'll flex.

In D/s, the agreement is what it's all about. Do your due diligence, and sit and freely and openly converse about your interests. Establish your mutual limits and boundaries, and have fun experimenting. But remember, it's fully consented or it doesn't exist. If it's not consensual, it's illegal, at least, it is in the UK and the US and every other sovereign nation that exists (or claims to) in the free world.

Chivalry might be dead (I truly hope not, honestly), but personal responsibility sure as hell isn't. So remember, no matter what aspect you are, or on what side of the whip you're positioned, you are responsible for the situations you put yourself in. And you are responsible for those things which you accept responsibility.

Never forget that. Personal Responsibility Rules, bitches! :-}

One last thing. Of course the submissive, when they actually do give their unyielding and commited submission to another, is giving a tremendous gift to that person. However, it's important that submissives not lose sight of the simple fact that there is a HUGE gift given up by the dominant to the submissive as well. A gift of providing structure and control, security and nurturing in their lives, as well as the discipline and punishments that a submissive or slave needs or desires, to be inspired to give that submission in the first place.

So let's not forget at all about the gift that the Top/Dominant or Owner brings to the table, people. Seriously. It takes a lot of effort to effectively run a household that is occupied by commited submisives or slaves. It is probably harder on some of us than others.

There is one last thing here. Above all things... A dominant must constantly be striving to develop themselves, to control themselves, their emotions, etc. Not bottle them up, simply control them.

A good dominant won't allow their emotions to dictate to them how they're going to act. They act, based on prevalent factors, such as the facts of the situation, if the offense is serious, as well as whether the offense or desire is harmful to the submissive, but it's all based on the available data. It's logic, and it's common sense combined.

Be wise in how you interact with other Tops as well as how you interact with bottoms and you will find yourself without peer. Well, almost. ;-} At least within an elite few. Hell, you might even be able to honestly call yourself a Master or Mistress... And be respected in that. How about that concept, hmmm? :-)

Feel free to hit me up if you have any other pet-peeves you see in the BDSM community or with the D/s or M/s lifestyle practices, either online or offline that you feel our community (that of the kinksters, of course) doesn't seem to need, or doesn't fit in well within it. It doesn't matter what it is. Even if I don't use the peeve or suggestion, I'll always respond to you and give you my view on it, if you'd like. You can reach me any time at

Tora.Kuo@Gmail.com

I hate spam, so don't spam me. I won't disrespect you like that, so don't do it to me. Thanks tons. I think I've covered everything that I'd like to cover right now. As far as D/s is concerned. I hope I was clear and concise, and you can learn something from what I've given you here.

It is my sincere hope to show at least one person a positive path to engaging in this sort of risky, but rewarding interaction with others.

Defining M/s

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Understanding M/s

I was browsing about, as I had come across something on fetish life dot com (fetlife.com) regarding a statement about having been trained "Old Guard" and being that I had only met two people in my entire life, and experience as a practitioner of M/s and BDSM, that ever eluded to having experience with the so-called "Old Guard" I decided to do some research, and this led me to a very interesting site called "Dom Sub Friends" (DomsubFriends.com). This link will take you to the page I found, for your convenience.

During my investigations, and having read some wonderful articles from names I recognize (Jay Wiseman of "S&M 101" and "Creative Rope Bondage" & Jack Rinella of "The Master's Handbook" and "The Compleat Slave"), as well as some that I did not (quite the number of them actually, though this is not surprising to me), which were both humorous and enlightening, I stumbled on an article by Jack Rinella (you can find that article here: Vanilla-Not.com) regarding "training a slave".

This is only the second thing I've read of Jack Rinella's, as I'm not a member of the gay community (his writings are written from the gay leatherman's standpoint) and while I consider myself something of a member of the leather community, simply never read anything of his before today.

The point is, that it got me thinking of my own concepts behind what it is that I do, and why I do it. Further, it got me thinking of the things that I tell others that are interested in M/s, and the fact remains, nearly every point he highlights I also have a firm belief in.

So before you go to those sites, I'd like you to essentially read what I have to say, and then you can go and check them out, please.

I guess the best place to start is: "What precisely is M/s?"

To put this concisely, M/s is a term I've been utilizing for a long time, and I've noticed it has spread throughout the community and I probably ran into it from some other place but don't recall where. I'm damn sure I didn't start it. However, I do simply consider it the definitive of what it is that we do, as a blanket title. It essentially stands for Master & slave.

This concept, of Master and slave is not limited to the gay leather-man nor hetero (here-to referred to as "het") leather communities. It is pan-sexual, and encompasses all aspects of genders and orientations. Of which there are quite a few, but those are not the focus of this article. Rather the focus is defining what M/s means, and sharing what it means to me. Further, the focus is on what it takes to establish this sort of relationship.

In various places in this article I find myself both humored by, and bolstered by my agreement with the principles he espouses in his article. It seems that despite sexual orientation, both he and I, and a great many others across the community share a very similar view regarding what it means to own a slave, to be a slave, and more-so, what it takes to engage in a healthy relationship within the confines (if they can be called that) of M/s principles and attitudes.

So the answer to the above question is: M/s = Master & slave. It is a consensual relationship which more or less organizes the dominance of one individual over another through more or less engaged rituals of power and submission. I say more or less, because in all things, you will find that some have a taste for what has been termed an "Old Guard Philosophy" which is really to say "old school" of enforcing strictly applied "high protocol" in order to establish obedience and mindfulness of position in a slave, while others are as Jay Wiseman puts it in his article on "Old Guard" more relaxed "California casual" about rules and protocols, preferring a more "laid back" approach. I tend to find myself somewhere in the middle. I do like rules, I find them necessary. However, like Jack Rinella, I am much more firmly rooted in the concept of "principles".

So, this begs the next question: "Why M/s? Why not a normal relationship?"

Well, this comes down to this. Like I said, I feel rules are necessary, not just in M/s but in relationships in general. Most of the time, these rules are the rules of polite society, and they are also considered "common courtesy" in most circles. However, in M/s, we have a different philosophy, and that is a philosophy of control, and obedience, tempered with a deep caring and energy which pervades the entire relationship and the dynamics in which we interact. This goes well beyond simple B&D or S&M practices, and cuts to the core of who it is that we are. More to the point, so I'm not dragging people that don't want to be drug into this, is that it cuts to the core of who I am.

For me, and apparently Jack Rinella as well, there are certain principles I wish to live by. They are principles that are so important, that I will cut people out that could be friends, because I will not tolerate their absence. Further, when I'm in a relationship with someone, after having had enough that failed as a result of what I'll mention next, I expect them to uphold a certain sort of standard. A group of standards, actually, and those standards are principles I live by. I expect those that I care about to comport themselves in much the same way.

Further, when it comes down to it, the control dynamic, my fetish for physical training and corporal discipline all comes together under this one heading and is traditionally thought of to belong here. Meaning my B&D and S&M practice, while separate, is also inextricably linked to the behavior dynamic that is engaged between me and my slave(s).

This would seem, under any other light, to be weird to some and downright abusive to others. They have a right to their opinion of course, so long as they don't slander or libel me in any sense as a result of that opinion. Something that I must point out, that while it seems this way on the outside, and could also be interpreted as humiliating for my slave(s) in some cases and situations, is it must be understood that this is not at all "non-consenting" between either myself or my slave(s) or in the case of the flip of the situation between myself and my Mistress. This is the way of it.

It's important, and I agree with Jack in this, that rules are fine, protocols are well and good, and I have a few. They are used to keep the slave in their head space, to enforce their understanding of who they are and guide them in accepting that in a way that brings them pride in themselves and their position with me. But more importantly, the principles are what matter.

So now we get to principles. What is the big deal with principles you might ask. Well, for starters, we all have them. For example, many of us find that honesty is paramount in any relationship. Further, when it comes down to it, we must consider that we have a relationship, not an "arrangement", and it's certainly not a scene. Scenes are temporary. Relationships carry with them a sense of, and a factual actuation of some permanence in our lives. They last a long time. If you don't for example, have respect for your Owner, then you are not behaving conducive to engaging the relationship with any respect. In other words, your behavior and attitude, born of the principle of respect directly affects the demeanor of your relationship.

Further, when it comes to honesty, this is primary, because without it, you can't establish respect. These are two of the principles (of nine I've identified personally) which must be present in order to engage in this sort of relationship. To understanding M/s, what it's about and how you should develop within your relationship.

Notice that throughout this, I refer to M/s as a relationship. That is precisely what it is. It's not a play. It's not fantasy. Though your fantasies come into it, it's not meant to be taken lightly, to be donned and removed as one might a hat.

Once you've established what principles you should hold yourself and your slave(s) too, this will give you a foundation for all else that follows, and will ultimately provide a solid foundation on which your M/s dynamic can evolve. But it has to start somewhere. So understanding M/s, no matter how much I banter, is going to come from within yourself. Not anywhere else.

So to that end, we're brought to another question: "How do I achieve my understanding of M/s"?

For this question, I have to say it's in line with what it is that Jack Rinella says it takes to train a slave;

A. Know yourself. This isn't something I'm simply repeating because I read it and it's cool. No, it's something I believe, and have believed since I was approximately 22, after already having engaged in, and failed, at a couple different M/s oriented relationships. It wasn't until I was about 26 that I really realized precisely how much I wanted M/s relationships only. This was after my current relationship was falling apart and I couldn't id precisely what was causing it. It turns out, that I should have examined myself much more thoroughly, and more so, stuck to my guns despite the love I had for the woman, because we ended up married, then separated with child, 3 years later. So know yourself. Thoroughly.

This means to examine your principles. Examine your ethics. Write down what's important to you in a D/s dynamic, in an M/s oriented sense. Know what you're going after, what you want to achieve, how you want to live, how you want to see your slave behave. This is largely how you're going to find out how to train them as well, because by knowing yourself, you will see what you desire and what you don't, and you'll be able to take action in regards to that to arrive at your desired result. It becomes more obvious when you know what you're after. It's all too confusing if you don't.

Understand your slave. Know what it is that drives him/her. Strive to get a grip on your emotional context of a given situation, and apply your critical thinking skills to discerning what it is that they are feeling. This will guide you in correction, as well as in praise. It will tell you when to apply each, and how much.

This comes down to communicating. Sharing. Being of each other. When they understand who you are, what you're about, and why you're like that (comes down to instruction, and consistent discipline, as well as consistent reward for a job well done. This can be no more than simple praise, but still necessary.) what you want, not just out of their behavior, but out of the relationship, they are going to also be able to know whether they fit with that. Obviously, much of this takes place before you even engage in such a relationship, and this is negotiations. Another subject altogether. The point is, communication is key. The focus and the pivot on which we work out these relationships and how we align our dynamic towards success.

You will begin realizing, through the dynamic interaction of power and submission, control and acquiescence, communication, both in speaking and listening, actively, what your purpose in the M/s dynamic is. You'll begin to find your comfort zone, and you'll be able to think more clearly on what it is that you're doing there. You will begin to understand M/s, and more importantly not just the "what of it" but the "why of it".

I hope this helps someone looking to explore this dynamic and apply themselves in a healthy way to building this sort of relationship. Always remember. it's a relationship, and more importantly, it will become a love relationship, not just for the slave(s) under your control, guidance and tutelage but also for you. Make no mistake, you will care. And that is what M/s is, in its own way. Caring in a very hard edged and demanding fashion, but nonetheless, it is caring, and very deeply. All the best in your relationships.

Wicked Pleasures,

Master Tiger