During my investigations, and having read some wonderful articles from names I recognize (Jay Wiseman of "S&M 101" and "Creative Rope Bondage" & Jack Rinella of "The Master's Handbook" and "The Compleat Slave"), as well as some that I did not (quite the number of them actually, though this is not surprising to me), which were both humorous and enlightening, I stumbled on an article by Jack Rinella (you can find that article here: Vanilla-Not.com) regarding "training a slave".
This is only the second thing I've read of Jack Rinella's, as I'm not a member of the gay community (his writings are written from the gay leatherman's standpoint) and while I consider myself something of a member of the leather community, simply never read anything of his before today.
The point is, that it got me thinking of my own concepts behind what it is that I do, and why I do it. Further, it got me thinking of the things that I tell others that are interested in M/s, and the fact remains, nearly every point he highlights I also have a firm belief in.
So before you go to those sites, I'd like you to essentially read what I have to say, and then you can go and check them out, please.
I guess the best place to start is: "What precisely is M/s?"
To put this concisely, M/s is a term I've been utilizing for a long time, and I've noticed it has spread throughout the community and I probably ran into it from some other place but don't recall where. I'm damn sure I didn't start it. However, I do simply consider it the definitive of what it is that we do, as a blanket title. It essentially stands for Master & slave.
This concept, of Master and slave is not limited to the gay leather-man nor hetero (here-to referred to as "het") leather communities. It is pan-sexual, and encompasses all aspects of genders and orientations. Of which there are quite a few, but those are not the focus of this article. Rather the focus is defining what M/s means, and sharing what it means to me. Further, the focus is on what it takes to establish this sort of relationship.
In various places in this article I find myself both humored by, and bolstered by my agreement with the principles he espouses in his article. It seems that despite sexual orientation, both he and I, and a great many others across the community share a very similar view regarding what it means to own a slave, to be a slave, and more-so, what it takes to engage in a healthy relationship within the confines (if they can be called that) of M/s principles and attitudes.
So the answer to the above question is: M/s = Master & slave. It is a consensual relationship which more or less organizes the dominance of one individual over another through more or less engaged rituals of power and submission. I say more or less, because in all things, you will find that some have a taste for what has been termed an "Old Guard Philosophy" which is really to say "old school" of enforcing strictly applied "high protocol" in order to establish obedience and mindfulness of position in a slave, while others are as Jay Wiseman puts it in his article on "Old Guard" more relaxed "California casual" about rules and protocols, preferring a more "laid back" approach. I tend to find myself somewhere in the middle. I do like rules, I find them necessary. However, like Jack Rinella, I am much more firmly rooted in the concept of "principles".
So, this begs the next question: "Why M/s? Why not a normal relationship?"
Well, this comes down to this. Like I said, I feel rules are necessary, not just in M/s but in relationships in general. Most of the time, these rules are the rules of polite society, and they are also considered "common courtesy" in most circles. However, in M/s, we have a different philosophy, and that is a philosophy of control, and obedience, tempered with a deep caring and energy which pervades the entire relationship and the dynamics in which we interact. This goes well beyond simple B&D or S&M practices, and cuts to the core of who it is that we are. More to the point, so I'm not dragging people that don't want to be drug into this, is that it cuts to the core of who I am.
For me, and apparently Jack Rinella as well, there are certain principles I wish to live by. They are principles that are so important, that I will cut people out that could be friends, because I will not tolerate their absence. Further, when I'm in a relationship with someone, after having had enough that failed as a result of what I'll mention next, I expect them to uphold a certain sort of standard. A group of standards, actually, and those standards are principles I live by. I expect those that I care about to comport themselves in much the same way.
Further, when it comes down to it, the control dynamic, my fetish for physical training and corporal discipline all comes together under this one heading and is traditionally thought of to belong here. Meaning my B&D and S&M practice, while separate, is also inextricably linked to the behavior dynamic that is engaged between me and my slave(s).
This would seem, under any other light, to be weird to some and downright abusive to others. They have a right to their opinion of course, so long as they don't slander or libel me in any sense as a result of that opinion. Something that I must point out, that while it seems this way on the outside, and could also be interpreted as humiliating for my slave(s) in some cases and situations, is it must be understood that this is not at all "non-consenting" between either myself or my slave(s) or in the case of the flip of the situation between myself and my Mistress. This is the way of it.
It's important, and I agree with Jack in this, that rules are fine, protocols are well and good, and I have a few. They are used to keep the slave in their head space, to enforce their understanding of who they are and guide them in accepting that in a way that brings them pride in themselves and their position with me. But more importantly, the principles are what matter.
So now we get to principles. What is the big deal with principles you might ask. Well, for starters, we all have them. For example, many of us find that honesty is paramount in any relationship. Further, when it comes down to it, we must consider that we have a relationship, not an "arrangement", and it's certainly not a scene. Scenes are temporary. Relationships carry with them a sense of, and a factual actuation of some permanence in our lives. They last a long time. If you don't for example, have respect for your Owner, then you are not behaving conducive to engaging the relationship with any respect. In other words, your behavior and attitude, born of the principle of respect directly affects the demeanor of your relationship.
Further, when it comes to honesty, this is primary, because without it, you can't establish respect. These are two of the principles (of nine I've identified personally) which must be present in order to engage in this sort of relationship. To understanding M/s, what it's about and how you should develop within your relationship.
Notice that throughout this, I refer to M/s as a relationship. That is precisely what it is. It's not a play. It's not fantasy. Though your fantasies come into it, it's not meant to be taken lightly, to be donned and removed as one might a hat.
Once you've established what principles you should hold yourself and your slave(s) too, this will give you a foundation for all else that follows, and will ultimately provide a solid foundation on which your M/s dynamic can evolve. But it has to start somewhere. So understanding M/s, no matter how much I banter, is going to come from within yourself. Not anywhere else.
So to that end, we're brought to another question: "How do I achieve my understanding of M/s"?
For this question, I have to say it's in line with what it is that Jack Rinella says it takes to train a slave;
A. Know yourself. This isn't something I'm simply repeating because I read it and it's cool. No, it's something I believe, and have believed since I was approximately 22, after already having engaged in, and failed, at a couple different M/s oriented relationships. It wasn't until I was about 26 that I really realized precisely how much I wanted M/s relationships only. This was after my current relationship was falling apart and I couldn't id precisely what was causing it. It turns out, that I should have examined myself much more thoroughly, and more so, stuck to my guns despite the love I had for the woman, because we ended up married, then separated with child, 3 years later. So know yourself. Thoroughly.
This means to examine your principles. Examine your ethics. Write down what's important to you in a D/s dynamic, in an M/s oriented sense. Know what you're going after, what you want to achieve, how you want to live, how you want to see your slave behave. This is largely how you're going to find out how to train them as well, because by knowing yourself, you will see what you desire and what you don't, and you'll be able to take action in regards to that to arrive at your desired result. It becomes more obvious when you know what you're after. It's all too confusing if you don't.
Understand your slave. Know what it is that drives him/her. Strive to get a grip on your emotional context of a given situation, and apply your critical thinking skills to discerning what it is that they are feeling. This will guide you in correction, as well as in praise. It will tell you when to apply each, and how much.
This comes down to communicating. Sharing. Being of each other. When they understand who you are, what you're about, and why you're like that (comes down to instruction, and consistent discipline, as well as consistent reward for a job well done. This can be no more than simple praise, but still necessary.) what you want, not just out of their behavior, but out of the relationship, they are going to also be able to know whether they fit with that. Obviously, much of this takes place before you even engage in such a relationship, and this is negotiations. Another subject altogether. The point is, communication is key. The focus and the pivot on which we work out these relationships and how we align our dynamic towards success.
You will begin realizing, through the dynamic interaction of power and submission, control and acquiescence, communication, both in speaking and listening, actively, what your purpose in the M/s dynamic is. You'll begin to find your comfort zone, and you'll be able to think more clearly on what it is that you're doing there. You will begin to understand M/s, and more importantly not just the "what of it" but the "why of it".
I hope this helps someone looking to explore this dynamic and apply themselves in a healthy way to building this sort of relationship. Always remember. it's a relationship, and more importantly, it will become a love relationship, not just for the slave(s) under your control, guidance and tutelage but also for you. Make no mistake, you will care. And that is what M/s is, in its own way. Caring in a very hard edged and demanding fashion, but nonetheless, it is caring, and very deeply. All the best in your relationships.
Wicked Pleasures,
Master Tiger
